10 Items or Less - Why Bad Grammar is lethal

By Jeffrey Baumgartner

I was in the Midwestern USA recently on business. On the last day of my visit, I popped round to a supermarket to buy a few things that are not easily available in Belgium, such as vanilla extract and maple syrup. Actually, maple syrup is available in Belgium, but a bottle of the stuff costs about as much as a mid-range BMW. So, I prefer to buy it in the States.

Having picked up the various things I needed, I got in the "10 Items or Less" [sic] lane. The cashier looked at my collection of goods and said, "sir, I'm sorry, but this is a ten items or less lane and you have thirteen items. I'm going to have to ask you to go to the other line."

"Madam," I replied, "Your sign's grammar is wrong and so it is invalid."

"No, it's not," she replied.

"Not what?" I asked. "Not wrong or not invalid? Lord love a duck, not only is your sign's grammar wrong, but you lack clarity!"

"I don't know if the grammar is wrong or not. I didn't make the sign. But the store has a strict policy of enforcing the eight items or less..."

"Fewer", I interrupted.

"Okay, eight items or fewer. Look I didn't write the sign or make the policy, I just work here. So, could you please..."

At this point, she was interrupted by someone in the queue behind me − and indeed, quite a queue had formed behind me.

"Look mister," said the interrupter, "The sign says ten items or less..."

"Fewer," I corrected to no avail.

"...and you have more than ten items there. Just do what the lady says, okay? There's a lot of people waiting here."

"But..." I began.

"Just get the hell out of the line and let us buy our stuff!" shouted another man, brandishing a gun and none too steadily.

"Oh my God, he's got a gun!" shouted a middle aged woman who was just approaching the queue.

"The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun!" shouted an older man in a cowboy hat, quoting the president of the National Rifle Association (NRA). He (they guy in the cowboy hat, not the NRA president) pulled a revolver from his jacket pocket.

"Wait, I'm not a bad..." began the first chap who had pulled out a gun which he held loosely by his side. Before he could finish, the cowboy hat began shooting, taking down the first shooter and two other people. Immediately, other shoppers began pulling out guns and shooting.

Needless-to-say, I high-tailed it out of there.

This just goes to show the danger of using bad grammar.